Fear of Being Judged
I never had a problem dictating or writing in front of my husband until I got to the "dirty" parts of my stories, then forget it. I needed privacy, something I relish and take full advantage of when home alone, working on manuscripts. The other issue I faced was I held back because I knew others, meaning people who knew me personally, would read what I wrote. To be honest, I felt embarrassed and feared being judged, that others would think scenes I wrote were based on my own personal experiences or view me differently. As a result, my original drafts were tailored by that fear.
When I got Destiny back from content edits, I was told to spice things up in the intimate scenes. Initially, this was a challenging feat because it involved me letting go and completely immersing myself into the scenes taking place. Luckily, early on during this process a light bulb turned on in my head and I said, "Screw it." It was a moment of clarity and everything changed instantaneously about my original thoughts. The bottom line is, if people are reading these types of books, it's because they enjoy them. I realized there's absolutely no reason for me to feel embarrassed or ashamed about putting it all out there. People are going to think what they will and I have absolutely no control over others' thoughts.
I quickly discovered that once I let go of my insecurities and fears about others' perceptions of me, I found freedom beyond belief. I wrote without mercy, fully allowing myself to get inside my characters' minds, engage in all of their senses, become them in a sense while writing from their perspective points of view. And with each subsequent edit, the process became easier. My writing style changed completely, no-holds-barred.
I no longer give thought to how my manuscripts will be viewed by those close to me who choose to read them. It's irrelevant. My writing style is what it is. It's evolving with each word I write and I pray it continues to do so. In a sense, it's a form of self-discovery, like any other passion I explore and engage in. I am no longer held back by fear of judgement when it comes to putting words to paper which is major growth for me as a writer. What an incredible revelation.